Is It Ever Okay to Hit a Man?

http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x3883567/side_profile_of_a_young_
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Hi Darlings,

There are many sites on elegance and refinement out there that have a mass amount of information and seem to be doing a great job on giving their readers material on refining themselves. However, I firmly believe that TheProperLady.com is the most modern and liberal of all of them. We are the first of these sites to openly welcome transgenders, homosexuals, and non-Christians into our community here on the web. I do this because I believe that it's not my job to judge and choose who should and should not have access to this material. I simply put this material out there and anyone who wants to use it can do so.

I personally consider myself to be a very traditional woman, doves. I believe in respecting your elders and I have never once raised my voice to my parents, to my older brother, or to any person older than me. However at the same time, I also strive to be an open-minded person who refrains from judgement (after all, am I so perfect that I deserve to wear the white wig?) and simply accepts other people. It's not my job to judge (who gave me the white wig?) which is why I welcome all into the ProperLady.com community.

Despite my traditionalism, there is something that I hold very non-traditional views about, and that is the concept of hitting your spouse. In society, it's seem as not as bad for a woman to hit her husband as it is for her husband to hit his wife. I think that this is wrong and that we should be as strict on women who hit their husbands.

People make the argument that men are, as a general group, physically stronger than women and that that is why it's worse for a man to hit a woman. I can't deny that our wonderful men tend to be physically stronger than us.

But that argument is flawed for two reasons:

(1) Firstly, people need to remember that domestic violence and domestic abuse isn't like a boxing match with both partners facing one another sans weapons, facing off. In that case, men would obviously be at a physical advantage. But domestic abuse isn't like a boxing match with both partners facing one another, fists up. Domestic abuse is inconsistent and studies show that women are more likely to use sneak attacks, making us more dangerous.

(2) Secondly, although physical safety is a concern, physical safety isn't the only problem in situations where one spouse hits another. Hitting your spouse isn't just about physical safety or physical damage. After all, an open-palmed slap wouldn't leave a mark and it sometimes doesn't hurt that much. Something that women are just as capable of inflicting through domestic abuse is emotional damage and disrespect.

The only problem with domestic abuse isn't just physical safety. If that were the case and both partners were facing one another with fists bared, ready to face off, then the man would be at an advantage and physical safety would be the main concern. However that's not how it is.

The problem with a woman simply slapping a man whenever she feels angry, whether it's because she found out that her husband drank one two many beers on guy's night (which she feels sensitive about because her family has a history of alcohol-related illnesses) or because he was ignoring her, is because it shows a lack of maturity, a lack of self-control, and a lack of respect for her partner.

Both partners are on equal playing fields when it comes to displaying immaturity, a lack of self-control, and a lack of respect for one's partner. That's why we shouldn't tolerate women hitting man anymore than we should tolerate a man hitting a woman. If a man lays his finger on his woman, it's a deal-breaker and women are encouraged to get out of that relationship as soon as he shows that abuse. Yet how many times do you hear people encouraging the man to get out of a relationship when his woman has so little maturity and self-control that she just hits him whenever she feels angry?

The problem with either spouse hitting their partners is that firstly, a man's safety can be in just as much danger regardless of his physical strength, and secondly, hitting also signifies a lack of maturity, a lack of self-control, and a lack of respect, meaning that that person is incapable of being in a longterm respectful and romantic relationship.

First Steps to Femininity E-Course

As modern, strong, and independent 21st century women, many of us can often feel tugged and pulled in different directions when it comes to who we are, who we're supposed to be, and who we want to be.

We're told that we are supposed to be the strong, hard, and independent woman who can slay her own dragons and kill her own snakes, so we stick with the status-quo and do what we're told is right and want what we're supposed to want.

The 21st century has given us our right to work and our right to be masculine if we so choose, thank goodness. But many of us are forgetting that a true right to choose means that we have a right to be feminine as well if we want to be.

We have a right to embrace our femininity, unleash our feminine potential, take charge of our lives, and pursue true happiness, true fulfillment, and true love.

We can be thankful that society has finally given us our right to choose, but we must never forget that a choice should be made wisely and that our rights to choose means that we can choose from more than one option. 

It's time that you stand up and ask yourself, "Who do you want to be?" Do you want to be happy and fulfilled? Do you want to find yourself doing better professionally without having to act like a man? Do you want to feel calm, collected, comfortable, and confident? Do you want to feel like you are in your natural essence?

If you are looking at this e-course, chances are you're currently at a crossroads. Either the time has come for you to choose now who you want to be and how you want your life to pan out, or you already made the choice and wish that you had a way to go back and choose the other option. 

I was once at the same crossroads, the same fork on the road, as you. I was faced with deciding between being the feminine woman I was raised to be, the alluring and joie de vivre French woman of my mother, the gentle and soft-spoken Thai women of my father's side, the charming and hospitable Southern belles of my homeland Virginia, or the tough, masculine, hard, and butch woman that society and the media was telling me to be. 

I chose to be the tough, masculine, and hard woman because that was what modern 21st century women in society told me to be and what the modern "pro-woman" media was telling me to be.

One of the decisions that I will always regret in my life was when I made the decision to blindly follow the crowd, stick with the status-quo, and reject my femininity to be a tough, masculine, and hard woman.

I thought that that was the right decision. I thought that that was the "chosen path," the path that we were supposed to choose, the path that "strong" women went down. I thought that that was the path towards true happiness.

I was so wrong and I'm thankful that I get the opportunity on this site to make sure that you're never as wrong, making the same deadly mistakes as I did.

I thought that that was the right decision and that that was the path to true happiness and true success. 

Let me tell you what choosing masculinity and harshness did for me and for my life:

I initially chose masculinity and harness because I was convinced that it would bring me success in life. I was told that I would do well academically/professionally, that men love strong women, and that I'd feel self-confident and happy. So of course, I chose masculinity and harshness - after all, that was the lie that was fed to me by the media and by the 21st century on a gold-plated spoon...

It was in Junior high (around the age of 13) when I decided to embrace masculinity. I became rough, hard, blunt, aggressive, abrasive, and argumentative. My grades were fine for the most part (although I had the ability to get irritated with the teacher and blame them for any poor test grades that I might receive - typical defensiveness often displayed by masculine women). However, let me list the things that didn't go so well with masculinity:

(1) At the time, I was working a part time job as a cook in a local pizzeria (many people don't know that this Russian Language and Literature major can work a brick oven! ;-)) and I had a lot of social problems while there. I really had trouble with my coworkers and with the manager. I wasn't acting up or anything. Despite being aggressive, blunt, hard, and masculine, I've always known my place and treated my elders with respect. However, the male coworkers and the male manager would always seem to target me for some reason (I know that reason now and it's the reason why many masculine women find it so gosh darn challenging to move up the career ladder and gain professional promotions - you'll learn about this in the course).

(2) At that same pizzeria, the people who I got along with and who wanted to come over and speak to me were only women like me: harsh, masculine, blunt women. Not only was I like them, but I was swimming in that energy with no means of escape. I wasn't happy being friends or getting along with only harsh and blunt women: as harsh and blunt as I was, the swearing and the negativity and the aggression just pulled me down emotionally (and I'm sure that that was the way I was making others feel!)


(3) I didn't care about my looks even though I was interested in boys and wanted to date because as the "strong" and hard masculine women, I assumed that any man worth his salt would be able to see through all of the pounds that I had gained and through me wearing no makeup and no feminine clothing. How wrong I was. Every man worth his salt passed me by because why would a high-quality man worth his salt settle? Of course, in typical masculine woman defensiveness, I just blamed them for not being truly smart or truly confident with themselves. But that's not the reality. The reality is that high-quality men who are smart and confident shouldn't settle and don't settle.

I was never asked out by any guy who I liked. Okay, I lied, I did get asked out from time to time as a joke (harsh, I know). But the guys I liked would go for truly feminine girls. Of course, in typical masculine woman defensiveness, I simply told myself that that they couldn't handle a "strong" woman like me. 

Of course they could. A feminine woman is just as strong, maybe even stronger, than a masculine woman. The strength of a masculine woman is like a hard thick stick. It takes a lot to break it because masculine women are often so stubborn. The strength of a feminine women is like a willow branch, wisely and strategically bending and adapting to the winds of a storm. If the wind roars hard enough, the hard thick stick will snap while the willow branch will be the true survivor, strategically adapting to the changing currents.

There is a difference, darlings, between being strong and being abrasive.

(4) I also just wasn't happy. Initially, I felt very confused because the 21st century "pro-women" movement had told me that I was supposed to be happy this way, as a "strong" masculine woman. But I was truly excruciatingly unhappy with myself. I wanted to feel pretty and it was hard to do that underneath all of the masculine colors and underneath all of the pounds that I had allowed myself to gain, but at the same time, I felt that I couldn't even admit that I wanted to feel pretty. I was also drowning underneath all of the negativity and all of the defensiveness. I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted to date great guys, and I wanted to feel positive and happy.

I started to research femininity. At first, I had a really closed mind to it because I was still conditioned to be against anything feminine. But eventually, I became more and more open to it and, after deadly amounts of research, I made the change to embrace my femininity and be a feminine woman.

And I am so thankful that I did because now my life has become one with so much more joy, so much more happiness, and so much more love. 

Here's what femininity and embracing my feminine self did for my life and what it will most likely do for your life as well: 

An Increased Self-Confidence - I now feel so much more beautiful, so much more comfortable in my skin, and so much more confident. Before, I didn't "care" about my appearance and let that show through my weight gain and my lack of makeup and hairstyle, but I know that I did care because if I truly didn't care, then it wouldn't have affected my self-confidence. Before, I couldn't even look people in the eye to speak to them (although I had no problem giving them an abrasive response to their question).

I made out like I was just so strong and so independent but I couldn't even look people in the eye. 

After embracing my femininity by working to achieve a feminine carriage and appearance, taking pride in myself in who I am, I achieved more confidence and poise than I had ever before thought possible.

I can look you in the eye now and smile as I do it! 

A Healthier Professional Life - Earlier on this page, I mentioned to you how bad my working environment was. I was not only constantly targeted by my male coworkers and male manager, but I was also constantly feeling under-appreciated for my hard work. 

After choosing to become a more feminine woman and embrace my femininity, my work environment became much healthier. I would still get the same amount of interaction from my male coworkers, but it was so much more positive. Before, I'd be harassed and targeted, but afterwards, they'd come and ask me for help, ask me for advice, come over and just start helping me with my work without me asking them, and would smile and greet me.

I also started to get paid more and was offered a promotion. I didn't take the promotion and instead chose to leave that job because I wanted a fresh start somewhere else, somewhere where I would have always been a feminine woman. However, you can imagine that after the way that things had gone, I was still very grateful for the offer.

My Romantic Life Improved - Another big thing that femininity did for my life was that my romantic life improved. My newfound femininity helped me to become more attractive to men: males would smile at me while walking down the street, I would get asked out regularly, I would get compliments from men regularly, and I would have the ability to enter into multiple happy relationships. After dating and entering and leaving a few different relationships, I was finally asked out by my dream guy, the love of my life, my hero and my best friend, who had known me since I was a masculine and harsh woman and who had asked me out after I had taken charge of my femininity.

We just got engaged and I couldn't be more tickled!

For any woman who'd like to get started in becoming a more feminine woman through a few simple steps, the First Steps to Femininity e-course is a good place to start. For the price of $16, you will receive the information on how to take the first steps needed to become a more feminine woman, in the format of a 5-part newsletter series.

Each issue will be sent 7 days after the previous one. Due to me handing all of the shipments manually, please allow 24 - 48 hours for Part I of your product to be emailed to you.

Please send me an email after your purchase so that I can be sure that your product gets sent to you and not to a different email address by mistake.

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Testimonials
What past students are saying about "First Steps to Femininity"... 

"Fantastic! Each part was jam-packed with information and I can't believe I got that much info for only $16... I would sign up again in a heartbeat and I can't wait to recommend my friends so that they too can watch themselves feel more feminine as they take each part." -Lisa, 47, Michigan.

"I've been on a personal quest for a few months to acquire the best femininity information so that I could become the best version of a feminine woman I can be. I've purchased many materials but Nina's 'First Steps to Femininity' newsletter e-course was the best starter one I've ever tried, and at a price much cheaper than the others!"
-Emma, 26, Dublin, Ireland.

"I absolutely love the resources that Nina offers on her site, TheProperLady.com. Her 'First Steps to Femininity' newsletter e-course has started me out on a great path towards becoming the feminine woman I crave to be. I feel that she has given me a great platform to build off of in my femininity studies." -Marianne, 21, Georgia.

"I can't rave enough about Nina and her products, especially the 'First Steps to Femininity' product that I just finished going through. People have pointed out that I seem so much more happy, self-confident, and radiant, and even my husband noticed (and he didn't know that I had taken the course) - he told me that I'm 'sparkling!'" - Tana, 33, London, England. 

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First Steps to Femininity Newsletter E-Course

For any woman who'd like to get started in becoming a more feminine woman through a few simple steps, the First Steps to Femininity newsletter e-course is a good place to start. For the price of $10, you will receive the information on how to take the first steps needed to become a more feminine woman, in the format of a 5-part newsletter series.

Visit the product information page by clicking this link. 

Dealing With a Breakup Like a Lady

How to exit a relationship gracefully!

How to exit a relationship with grace, dignity, and good taste...

The Love Letter, Jean Carolus.

Almost every single person who has ever been in a relationship has dealt with a breakup. There are a few lucky people out there who end up marrying their first serious partner (I'm currently engaged to the only serious boyfriend I've ever had so I'm lucky enough to be among them, although I've had to be involved in breaking off "involvements" and "dating") but for most of us, it's about kissing many frogs and breaking your heart a few times until you find your Prince Charming.

In order to find your Prince Charming, you'll most likely be involved in a few breakups. Breakups can be nasty businesses. After all, how many times do we hear on the news about celebrity exes trash talking one another?

We don't even have to look at the celebrities because regular people trash talk exes enough as it is.

I think that it is perfectly normal and understandable why this sort of trash talking occurs. After all, you're most likely hurt and embarrassed. Sometimes, it even feels like the breakup is coming out of nowhere: you might have thought that things were going so well! When they tell you that it's not you but that it's them, you can't help that little voice in your mind that says: "What he really means is that it's you."

Breakups are often humiliating, hurtful, and full of confusion. This is a time when emotions run high. I hope that this article helps you to exit a relationship like a lady of grace, dignity, and good taste!

The Basic Goal of Exiting a Relationship Like a Lady:

Photo courtesy of J. Crew
Try not to catch the gentleman off guard!

Breakups are never pleasant, regardless of what end you're on. If you're the one ending the relationship, you feel guilty for hurting someone you care about (or at least did care about at one point). If you're the one being broken up with, you feel embarrassed and humiliated.

You may ask yourself how you didn't see it coming. If you had seen it coming, you may ask yourself why you sat there waiting for it instead of getting out. You may ask yourself how you could be so silly and ignorant.

Breakups are never pleasant from either end. The goal to ending a relationship like a lady is to allow both parties to keep their dignity.

How to Do It:
The first rule of ending a relationship while keeping dignity is to not sugarcoat anything. Many people, upon ending a relationship with someone, go into sugarcoating mode.

They say to them things like:

• "You made me laugh, so much more than I thought I ever could"
• "I cared about you in a way I never thought possible"
• "You're the smartest person I've ever known and I loved how you challenged me every single day"
• "You're one of the smartest and most interesting people I've ever met..."
• "I'm so thankful to have known you"
• "We have a great connection"
• "I'll never be as attracted to someone as I am you"
• "You're such an incredibly beautiful woman/handsome man"
• "I'll never forget the amazing times we shared"

A lot of people think that this sort of language helps to ease the pain of the person being broken up with but it does not. It makes them feel like they're pitiful and pathetic. It also makes you seem a bit dishonest; would you really be breaking up with someone you have a great connection with, who's such an incredibly beautiful woman/handsome man, who's the smartest person you've ever known, and who made you laugh so much more than you thought you ever could? 

When breaking up with someone, be honest and straightforward but not cruel or overly blunt. Give a more mild compliment (I hope you dated someone you can say something nice about without lying) before telling them that you'd like to end the relationship.

For example:

"You're a good man/lovely woman but unfortunately, I just don't see this relationship continuing from here." 

Don't become very apologetic (i.e. keep on going, "I'm really sorry") because that will make them feel pitiful and victimized again, which is not very dignified.

Let Them Announce On Their Own Terms:
I think that another good way to help someone maintain their dignity is to allow them to have some control over the way that the information is delivered to your social set. If you happen to live together, I would recommend announcing the separation after you've finally moved into your own separate places.

A good way to help them maintain their dignity is to allow them to make it seem like the breakup wasn't as personal as it might have been.

When You Are The One Being Broken Up With:
When you are the one being broken up with, you must keep some of your pride and dignity by not begging and not questioning.

Crying tears and begging them to stay will only arise pity and pity does not necessarily make them want to be with you. The most you can get from crying and pleading with them would be a platonic hug or an empathetic pat on the back.

When you are broken up with, the best thing to do is simply say what you need to say in a very understated way (ex: "I care about you a lot and I'm sorry things didn't work out, but I'm glad that we found out now rather than later"), wish them luck on their future endeavors, and then separate.

If you happen to already live together for whatever reason, then the most dignified thing to do is to make sure that each person gets to keep the belongings that matter most to them and also the belongings that they paid for in entirety.

I hope that you enjoyed this article on The Proper Lady and that it was helpful to you in some way. 

American Proper Ladies Are American Ambassadors Abroad

ABC's PanAm. 

Have any of you ever read a Jane Austen novel or an Edith Wharton novel? Like Pride and Prejudice or The Age of Innocence? In both of those novels, there's so much talk about reputation. 

In Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy both love women from the Bennet family, but both of them are worried about the reputation created by the frivolous younger sisters and the tasteless mother and father, despite Jane and Elizabeth Bennet being above such reputation.

In the book The Age of Innocence, Newland Archer loved Countess Ellen but was hesitant to break off  his engagement with his fiancée May Welland because he feared the downfall that would ensue to his reputation.

Our reputation is a big deal because it follows us around. We can't escape it or avoid it and it's important that we seek to make the best reputation for ourselves. Our reputations will often precede us as well. You don't want people to have a bad impression of you before you've even introduced yourself based on a reputation that they were made aware of by word of mouth or gossip, do you?

Well unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, American people in general have a bad reputation abroad, especially as tourists. When you mention an American tourist to a foreigner, you'll usually conjure up images of a people in Hawaiian print tops and baseball camps, talking loudly in a quiet memorial or museum, going on about how they do things "back home" even though they were the ones who chose to visit the foreign country themselves. 

Jacqueline Kennedy in India.

Due to the poor reputation, when we go abroad and are heard speaking English with an American accent, the native people will often already have a poor impression of us, simply due to the association.

Of course, not all Americans are how they think or are like the image in their heads (it's never fair to stereotype an entire group of people as being one way or another). But that doesn't matter because the damage is done and all that we can do is go against it to fix it. 

Every American proper lady is an American Ambassador abroad, just like my readers from other nations are ambassadors for their own countries. You can't explain to people that believing in a stereotype is wrong. All you can do is show them through your own behavior that there are exceptions and that you are one of them.

Whenever you are abroad, be an elegant tourist: be thoughtful, polite, respectful, and considerate of other cultures and other traditions. Don't try to change it or point out the way that you may do things back home because the culture is not designed to please you.

Whenever you are in a foreign country, think of yourself as an ambassador and remember that the way you hold yourself affects the way that the native people view people from your nations as a general group. You are an ambassador and you are a representative. 

Good Energy

Shabby Apple.

People often judge whether or not they want to be around someone by their energy. Your energy is the vibe you give out, how you make people feel when they are around you.

In this article, I would like to discuss the kind of energy that a proper lady would radiate. This energy is one of warmth, love, and acceptance.

Different people give out different types of energy.

Many women and men who strive to become proper ladies and proper gentlemen pay strict attention to their posture, their dress, and their manner of speaking, but never think about the energy that they give out.

Not paying attention to your energy is a huge mistake, my darlings, and a mistake that I have seen many ladies and gentlemen commit.

There are many true gentlemen who wear the right ties and say the right things, yet give off the wrong energy. It's not because they're not good people - they just failed to think about that when they started to try to form themselves into gentlemen.

Now, I don't mean to bash our wonderful men because women who try to form themselves into ladies will often forget the aspect of energy as well.

We put effort into our refinement and a tasteful appearance and elegant skills and learning to prepare the best meals for our children - and these things are all crucial - but we forget to mind the energy that we are giving off.

The Garden Party, Carl Schweninger.

If you want to become a proper lady, you need to make sure that you are giving off an energy that's comprised of love, warmth, and acceptance. What's the point of dressing elegantly, speaking with superb grammar, using the right fork, and becoming well-read if you have an energy that says, "Leave me alone, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to associate with you, you're not good enough for me"?

---------------

Sponsored by The Glamorous Housewife.

Click the link to visit the site. 

The Masculine and the Feminine

Photo of man courtesy of J. Crew
Photo of woman courtesy of Shabby Apple

A short piece on gender - and on the roles and energy associated with each gender - in the context of traditional romance, relationships, and The Proper Lady. 

Lately, I've been reading some books and sites on gender and I find it all to be very fascinating. Since the beginning of society, there have been restrictions related to gender: girls are supposed to act one way while guys are supposed to act another way.

How many of us were denied the right to do something as a child yet had to watch our sibling of the opposite gender doing it? For me, this manifested itself in climbing trees; whenever I'd try to climb a tree, my mother would tell me to get myself down from there while when my brother did it, she'd simply tell him to be careful. Why? Because little boys are supposed to be adventurous and fearless while little girls are supposed to be gentle, quiet, and soft.

I personally am for liberty, liberation, and freedom. I don't think that we should be forced to do something or be something based on our gender alone. We should have the right to be whomever we want to be. After all, gender is a cultural construct. When I was a Freshman at Bryn Mawr College, I took a class on Cultural Anthropology, we learned about different islands in the Pacific where society stressed that the women be aggressive, assertive, powerful, and dominant and that the men be soft, gentle, and nurturing. The women were the hunter-gatherers and the men were primarily responsible for childcare.

I think that feminine women and masculine women are equal. I do not think that feminine women are superior. However, traditional ideas about gender are relevant and important in the context of The Proper Lady, for the women who have decided on their own that being feminine is what they want.

For the women who want to learn how to be a Proper Lady Blog Woman, traditional gender ideas and traditional ideas about gender energy offer a fascinating dynamic to be studied and used in our lives. This is because it's hard to be a proper lady without being feminine and feminine qualities tend to compliment masculine qualities within relationships.

It's almost like Yin and Yang...

Yin and Yang, Dark and Light, Hot and Cold, Hard and Soft, or Masculine and Feminine, two polar opposites coming together to complement one another, to work together, and to exist together in perfect harmony.

Within any unit, whether it's as vast as a society or as small as a single household, there needs to be a good balance of both the masculine and the feminine in order for things to run smoothly.

The traits typically associated with masculinity and masculine energy are: assertiveness, dominance, vigor, decision-making, aggressiveness, stoicism, practicality, territorial (guarding), and THE HEAD.

The traits typically associated with femininity and feminine energy are: love, acceptance, caring, nurturing, softness, emotion, passion, dreams, and THE HEART.

Some people complain that the traits associated with femininity are oppressive or inferior to the traits associated with masculinity. I don't think this is true. I think that these two sets of traits are separate but equal. After all, how can the head control the body without the heart to pump blood and what's the point of the heart doing it's work in a body without a head?

The masculine and the feminine are interdependent. They need each other to survive. A truly feminine women is waiting for her masculine man and the truly masculine man is searching far and wide for the truly feminine woman. Not only do they need to coexist together, but the result of a masculine man and a feminine woman coming together romantically is beautiful and even electric. The feminine woman loves, nurtures, and accepts her masculine man and cares for his ego, his pride, and his emotions, while the masculine man protects, shelters, provides for, and conquers for his feminine woman.

What happens when these two come together is a relationship that is beautiful, fluid, passionate, and electrifying.

Chanukah China

As many of my readers know, I'm a huge devotee of fine china and also of using your best ones when it's just you and your loved ones. Nothing that you would take out for your guests is too good for your loved ones.

My mother is a Christian who's in love with Christmas. For as long as I can remember, she's had a gorgeous set of Lenox Holiday china. Upon my conversion to Judaism I started to search for a similar china design specifically for Jewish holidays and I couldn't find any.

It came to my attention that there really weren't any fine china pieces for Jews and that I would have to make due.

If you are a Jew who's in search of special Jewish holiday china, then this article is for you.

Although red and green is associated with Christmas but there aren't any specific colors associated with Jewish holidays, you mostly find an abundance of blue and white for those Jews who like to decorate during holidays.

If you want special Jewish holiday china, I recommend going for ones that are blue and white with a silver plating (if any).

Here are a few examples I found online:

The one above is called Mikasa Parchment Blue. I think it looks nice!

The one above is my favorite one so far. It's the Lenox Blue Frost. I love how clean and tasteful it is: simple timeless elegance!

Well, Dearies, are any of you Jewish and have come across the same problem? Did any of you find any china that you can easily use as Jewish holiday china? 

The Decline of Good Grammar: The Importance of Grammar

The Thick of the Plot, George Goodwin Kilburne.

The other day, I was fortunate enough to speak with a good friend who's currently vacationing in Paris. I've known this person since we were students together in high school. We were in the same French class together and I remember that they were one of the better students. I enjoyed speaking to them in French in and out of class and we went to France together when we were 17.

She's there right now and enjoying herself very much. However, she told me that she's hearing so much bad grammar from the young people there. When she told me that, I was taken aback. The French are known for being incredibly picky about their grammar, so much so that they have a society located in Paris that's responsible for the purité de la langue.

But it's true that grammar is, in general, losing its importance and relevance among the younger set.

Society is now becoming plagued by slang and vulgarity, with poor sentence structure to top it all off.

However, for those of us seeking to achieve elegance and sophistication, grammar is still important. As Mary Newton Bruder writes in her fantastic book, The Grammar Lady: How to Mind Your Grammar in Print and in Person (which I recommend for any American English speakers who want to improve their grammar):

"How you use the tools of good communication, your grammar, gives an impression that you can't erase once it's been given." (Bruder, 4). 

Your grammar and your elegant speech in general tells the world a lot about who you are: your education, your background, your culture, and even your heritage.

What image do you want to communicate to the world?

ENDNOTES

Bruder, Mary Newton. The Grammar Lady: How to Mind Your Grammar in Print and in Person. New York: Hyperion, 2000. Print.

Married Couples, Separate Spaces

The importance of each spouse having their own personal space.

While reading the book Grace and Power: The Private World of the Kennedy White House, authored by Sally Bedell Smith (a fascinating read, one I highly recommend to anyone who's a fan of American history during that time period, especially if they're intrigued by the Kennedy clan) I came across this little tidbit of information while reading about their living arrangements while in the White House:

"The Kennedys had their own bedroom suites, in keeping with the upper-class practice of the day." (Smith, 109). 

I found that to be fascinating and it reminded me that for a long time, I've been personally considering the pros and cons about having your own personal space within a home. Of course, I'm not speaking about those obviously needed spaces like your own desk (what are you going to do? Share a desk each night?) as much as your own private rooms.

These private spaces could comprise of your own dressing room (along with your own vanity table), your own home office with a door that can be locked shut, your own sitting area, or even your own separate bedroom.

I am personally for the lady of the house having her own personal space at least in the form of a dressing room/vanity table. As good as honesty is for a marriage, there are certain things that are best kept hidden from your spouse, and among these things are the more unpleasant parts of your beauty routine (like tweezing your eyebrows).

Now, how about other forms of living spaces?

Separate bedrooms can be a bit odd to most people because it seems like you're trying to create distance between one another when it's a commonly held view that a husband and wife are supposed to share the same bed.

However, separate bedrooms can be good for couples with one or more people involved in a very demanding career. If one spouse has to remain up late at night (or perhaps even until the early hours of the morning) working, they don't have to disturb the other spouse when they are finally ready to crawl into bed.

A nautical theme is nice for a man's personal bedroom:

www.coastalliving.com

Another form of a private space would be a sitting area. This is good for those couples who enjoy entertaining and who sometimes find themselves holding social gatherings that their spouse would rather not be a part of.

Examples of such gatherings would be:

• Gatherings with just your friends, whom your spouse may or may not know very well
• Gatherings given for a certain charity project or club that only you are a part of
• Any of the above, especially if your spouse comes home late and exhausted one day and just wants to nap or rest without having to socialize with anyone
• "guy's night"

A private sitting area for your own personal use is good for when you both choose to keep certain parts of your social lives separate. 

The sitting area doesn't have to be a sitting room and can be just that: a sitting area. If you choose to keep a personal office or bedroom as a separate space, you can have a modest sitting area in the same room, perhaps separated by a door or archway if it's in a bedroom.

I know that in this economy, it can be tough to oblige in things like separate spaces for married couples. Please check back to this article soon to see a link to an article on how to create your own separate spaces when you have limited finances.

ENDNOTES:
Smith, Sally Bedell. Grace and Power: The Private World of the Kennedy White House. New York: Random House, 2004. Print.

Is "The Proper Lady" Sexist?

Throughout my time writing this blog, I have often found myself the recipient of accusations of sexism. I have received accusations of both being sexist and also of supporting the "rebirth" of sexism.

These accusations, often either hilarious (when delivered with a slew of curse words and foot-stomping) or very thought-provoking (when delivered politely), are off-base and I hope to address that in this short post.

Some people who come across this blog will think that because I stress femininity and taking care of your loved ones, I'm sexist. This is not the case and such accusations are misguided, uninformed, and, at worst, uneducated.

Firstly, let's look at the definition of sexism:

NOUN. 

"prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex"

 I don't have a professional editor and sometimes I write this blog when I'm in an odd mood (working here relaxes me), so of course I could have slipped here and there, but I do not believe that anywhere on this blog I have shown myself to blatantly be prejudiced against women, and I do not think I have blatantly stereotyped or discriminated.

BHLDN.com

After all, this is a blog for women by women.

However, I can see where this accusations are coming from and I would like to recognize them.

It is true that on this blog I sometimes reveal my personal bias towards women who are more feminine (read: soft, gentle, kind, warm, girly, accepting) and men who are more masculine (read: energetic, assertive, aggressive, dominant, commanding, forward, protective).

However, I do not think that feminine women are necessarily better women or are superior to more masculine women. This blog is not meant to raise awareness or to convince women that femininity is superior or the only way to go.

This blog is meant to serve as a resource for women who have decided on their own that being feminine and elegant is what they themselves want and is what is best for them personally.

This blog is not a public awareness blog or a blog that serves to convince you. This blog is meant to be an informative site for those of you who have started to think, on your own terms, that elegance and femininity is what suits you.

The reason why I am biased towards more feminine women and more masculine men is not due to me thinking that they are superior. I'm a feminine women and I strive every single day to better understand my femininity, what femininity means, and how to be more feminine. I tend to be biased towards more feminine women simply because I can relate to them. That feeling of bonding with other feminine women is no stronger than me having a feeling of bonding with other Asians (mostly Thais or Japanese people because it's an Asian culture that holds a lot of appeal/influence for Thai people) and other French people (due to my mother), or me having that feeling of bonding when I meet Russian people due to me being a longtime student of Russian Language and Literature, or me having that feeling of bonding when I find another classical musician.

It's nothing more than me simply finding some common ground with another women due to us having femininity in common.

When it comes to dating, I am biased towards men who are more masculine in personality (I don't really care about them being masculine looking) because as a feminine woman, I am attracted to the contrast.

I really don't think that feminine women are superior to women who are more masculine. As I said before, The Proper Lady is not a site that seeks to prove to women that femininity is superior. I think it's important that all women have the right to be whomever they want to be, whomever they feel they're meant to be. This is a site written as a resource for women who feel that they are meant to be a gentle, feminine, warm, and elegant proper lady.

Another reason why The Proper Lady blog is not sexist is because it promotes more stereotypically feminine traits. I know that certain visitors use that as a platform for their accusations but let me explain why the promotion of the typically feminine (and even gender roles) is a sign that I am not sexist.

Many women, as a sign of empowerment, take on typically masculine traits, rejecting the feminine. They frown down on the feminine traits as being weak and as being tools of oppression. I hold onto and celebrate typically feminine traits because I see them as being equal in value to the masculine traits.

Rejecting typically feminine traits with the mindset that traits commonly associated with womanhood are inferior is more sexist than accepting and celebrating those traits.

The final thing I have to address is how many visitors on this site think that I am sexist because I stress taking care of our men and never write articles about what the man should do to help make a lovely home. (See articles: 20 Sweet Things To Do for Your Man, Honoring Your Husband, Cook for Him, and Respecting and Appreciating Your Men).

To that, I have only two things to say:

First, it's a sad, sad, sad day when doing something nice for the man you love without expecting anything in return is frowned down upon or used to accuse one of sexism.

Second, I have never encouraged women here to be used or to be easy and to bend over backwards catering to a man's needs if he treats you poorly. I think that you should only give such love, respect, and honor to a good man, not just to any man who happens to become your beau (although I pray that my lovely proper ladies will only choose good men for their beaux). I get slightly irritated when visitors read articles on doing good things for your man, ask, "Well why is it only us who have to do these things?" and then right away accuse me of sexism. I don't believe that it's only us who have to do these things. I believe in treating your man like a King but that you should only be with a man who makes you feel like a Queen in return. However, the reason why I don't go into lengthy articles about the way a man should treat a woman is because I write this blog for women wanting to be proper ladies.

I'll leave articles on how to treat a lady to the numerous lovely blogs on gentlemen that are out there.

The Proper Lady blog is not a blog of sexism or oppression. It's simply a resource for women who want to become more elegant and who have decided that this is the path for them, not because it's superior, but because it's who they want to be.

Threatened Women

How to deal with women who are jealous of your newfound confidence and poise and who are threatened by your newfound elegance and femininity.

Throughout every person's life, it is unavoidable that there comes a time when one may desire to improve oneself.

This can come in many forms. Perhaps you have decided that you truly do not like your figure (see article: Healthy Body Image) and it's time to pick up an exercise routine that works for you so that you can achieve newfound health. Perhaps you have decided that your plain and commonplace hairstyle is screaming for a change. Perhaps you'd like to try a new skincare line or a new makeup routine.

Or, perhaps you'd like to sculpt yourself into a whole new woman, a woman you dream of being. Perhaps you want to mold yourself into a proper lady, an elegant woman, a woman of grace, poise, class, elegance, sophistication, and education, a woman who could be welcomed into the ranks of Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, Michelle Obama, Jacqueline Kennedy, Condolleeza Rice, Princess Rania of Jordon, Laura Bush, and Diane Sawyer.

This is a very ambitious and challenging feat, however you push through to meet your goal (or at least to "land among the stars" if you never quite make it but work hard at it).

But what happens when as you are working hard to meet your goal, you are met with the resistance of other women? What happen when other women try to mock or dissuade you from becoming the proper lady or elegant woman that you dream of being?

When Kate Middleton married Prince William, she aroused the jealousy of women
all over the world: not only did she capture the heart of a charming and educated
British Prince, but she also gained the title of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.

Women are jealous creatures. It's easy to arouse envy among one another. Jealousy usually arises out of feeling threatened - having one's territory threatened or compromised.

We often feel jealous of another woman's beauty (facial beauty, her figure, etc.)

Another woman's career (perhaps the career's salary or perhaps because it gives her a decent salary and still gives her time to spend with her children, while you are working away at a job with little time to spare for your precious ones)

Another woman's romantic partner (her husband's looks, income, influence, sense of humor, or thoughtfulness; perhaps the fact that you might even have desired him first!)

Another woman's femininity, the ease in which she lives in her own skin.

Throughout your journey to become a proper lady, you'll most likely find yourself the brunt of criticism, sneering, and snarky comments. You'll find women who look down on doing something nice for your husband, even going so far as to call any woman who turns on a stove for her man a "pushover". You'll find women who make comments when you wear heals, calling you "crazy" and rolling their eyes at you. You'll find women who call you a snob because you sit up straight at the dinner table and wield your utensils properly.

The world is full of threatened women. There are women who are threatened by the idea of having to share the spotlight with a woman whom she sees as a threat or as a rival.

I was lucky enough to be able to interview a very brave proper lady, *Kaitlyn, who described herself as a girl who used to be the one making snarky comments and mocking the kind of women who visit this blog. She's now one of my most dedicated readers and she has a huge heart, and she was kind and brave enough to tell me her reasons for mocking others for the purpose of this article.

She said to me:

I used to be as snarky and rude as possible to women who wanted to be more feminine, classy, elegant, and sophisticated. I didn't truly understand my behavior at first and I wrote it off as simply them bringing it onto themselves - how dare they act like they were better than me?

Soon, I realized that they had never treated me with anything less than courtesy, respect, and kindness. They were proper ladies, treating all of those around them with grace, love, charm, gentleness, and respect. 

My impression that they were looking down on me or judging me was brought about by my own insecurity. After all, they never gave me reason to think that they looked down on me yet I believed they did. I judged them in a way that I had mistakenly assumed that they had judged me. 

I was just insecure. They had large groups of elegant girlfriends and handfuls of trusted gentlemanly male companions who never saw them as "one of the guys". I had two girlfriends. They were in wonderful positions in their lives, whether through their education or through "roughing" it for a few years and becoming self-made, and could call themselves "accomplished." Can't say the same for me. They seemed to be in happy romantic setups. Couldn't say the same for me.

Being insecure and also being a coward, it was always the easy way out for me to simply call them a "pushover" when they spent hours preparing a special meal for their loved ones, because it was easier than to wonder if perhaps that's what husbands and children need. It was always the easy way out for me to call them "shallow" when they spent time creating a feminine appearance, because it was easier than to wonder if perhaps that's what gentlemen were attracted to. 

Thank you very much, Kaitlyn, for those touching, beautiful and insightful words.

My dearest ones, human beings are jealous creatures. It's the way that we're designed and a little bit of jealousy can be healthy if it drives you to be better.

But don't ever let the jealousy of another person make you give up your dreams or hinder your goals. Continue to chase your dreams with everything you are and continue to treat everyone, even those who mock you, with grace, kindness, and respect.

A Full Table No Matter What!

Courtesy of ncvpsculturecafe.blogspot.com.

This article is a part of the Russian Elegance section.

This article was originally written on April 17th, 2012. The references to time are relative to the date in which the article was originally written.

Today was one of the busiest days I've had in a long time, but I was lucky enough to be able to have lunch with my good elegant Russian girlfriend from St. Petersburg, Nadya!

For those of you who don't know Nadya (she's never been mentioned on this site before now, although I've mentioned her to some of you who I correspond regularly with), we met few years ago and we're quite close. She has a B.A. in French from Barnard College (the sister school of Columbia University, and both Barnard and its Ivy League brother school are located in New York City) and she also studied at a prestigious academy of ballet in Russia. She currently dances with the prestigious Mariinsky Ballet, one of the greatest (if not the greatest) ballet companies in the world. She has a very exciting life that involves a lot of traveling and a lot of dancing, doing what she loves. Not only is she well-educated and cultured (due to being well-travelled, multilingual (she's fluent in SIX modern languages, not including the fact that she can read and write fluently in Old Church Slavonic and Latin!), able to play a classical instrument, and well-read, but she also has a beautiful elegant heart. She's one of the kindest and warmest people you'll ever meet!

Her multiple elegant accomplishments along with her warmth, her huge heart, and the way in which she treats everyone around her with nothing short of respect never fails to serve as a great inspiration to me in my studies of elegance.

Last time she and I met up, I prepared for her a classic Southern meal (which is just like a classic Thanksgiving Meal): glazed Virginia ham, stuffing (with my own personal twist - I like to put apples in my stuffing to add some fruity crunch), butter mashed potatoes with gravy, and red wine cranberry sauce, with pecan pie for dessert. Today, it was her turn to cook and my turn to be the guest.

When I arrived at her intimate apartment, I was shocked to find what appeared to be a full table just for the two of us. Although each serving dish was small, there were so many of them. Borscht with sour cream, many pickled vegetables, a stuffed hare, salmon pie, blinis, and other classic dishes.

I soon learned that she woken up at 5 that morning to start cooking just for me (she has always come across to me as a lady of wonderful hospitality, although today she still managed to startle me).

Nadya and I sat together over the delicious traditional Russian meal she had prepared and we spoke about elegance, grace, culture, her ballet career, The Proper Lady, our beaus, and also about cooking and entertaining. You see, Nadya and I both believe in treating each guest who walks through our doors like royalty. I treat every man who walks through my door like a King and I treat every woman who walks through my door like a Queen and Nadya is the same way.

However, cooking extends further than simply to treat the guests who walk through our doors: Nadya and I both believe that cooking is also just a great way to bring a family together and make your loved ones feel loved and special.

Nadya soon told me a very inspirational story about how in Russia, women believe in preparing a full table of food and that this was even true in the Soviet times! In the Soviet era, when food and ingredients were limited and you had to stand in line for bread, the women never stopped trying to make do with what they have so that they could feed their families with full tables and delicious food.

This made me think: if Russian women could prepare wonderful meals for their loved ones in the Soviet time period while we have access to abundant grocery stores, with a little creativity, we should be able to feed our families meals half as good as the meals that Russian women prepare.