British Manners (Guest Article by William Hanson of The English Manner)

Editor: Mr. Hanson was kind enough to pen these few paragraphs for our English Elegance section on British culture and etiquette. Please visit the blog for The English Manner using this link.

Britain is often looked upon as being the birthplace of manners and home of proper etiquette. Whilst it is true that a lot of Britons still care about doing things properly, Britain was not the birthplace of manners. The word 'etiquette' is French, but this does not mean that France invented social customs. It is more than likely that the first humans on earth developed a code for getting along and co-operating and from there it has grown into what we have today.

England is, quire rightly, seen as a place of high culture and civilisation. There are, naturally, stark contrasts to this culture as there is in any other country. But being surrounded by so much culture can help one behave with a high level of courtesy and respect for those around us. 

It is a British belief (although not unique to Britain) that we should treat our fellow humans with empathy, respect and friendliness in order for a more civilised world. The British are often seen as more reserved than other Western countries (like America, for example). Here, we do not kiss or hug until we know someone very well. In America they are much more tactile and persist in hugging and kissing those with which they may only have the slightest of acquaintance. To this day, I do not like being hugged as I feel it is an intrusion on my personal space. But this is a cultural difference but yet these differences should be respected. If I went to America, as I often do, I would expect to receive much more hands-on greetings than over here - and this would be proper of me as would not want to offend or upset any of my hosts. Yet when the hosts becomes guests in Britain (and this is not exclusive of Americans by any means) they are sometimes guilty of sticking to their own social code rather than adapting. 

The British do not like to offend people or to cause embarrassment and this is key to understanding us as a nation. 

Tasteful Tennis

John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Kennedy.

One of my favorite sports of all-time is tennis. For me, there are few things better than a good game of tennis outside in nice weather and with a person whose company you enjoy both conversationally and in terms of the game. One of my first dates with my fiancé was spending an afternoon at a local club hitting the ball back and forth. I enjoyed that date a lot... not only did he have a deadly serve that challenged me, but it was a way to spend time to one another and bond without feeling pressured to say a lot. I'm one of those women who could never date a man who couldn't be a friend figure as well as a boyfriend or husband. Playing tennis together or riding horses together is simply a healthy and pleasant way to "play" together. To be friends! :)

A Game of Tennis, John Lavery.

What I like about tennis is that it is deceptively simple. With just a little bit of practice, you can get your serve down. Also, it's a lifetime sport (like golf). All you need is one other person to play and then you can just go and head to a court together with your equipment. There are many classy sports that are enjoyable. My fiancé played lacrosse all throughout high school and also played in college. I played field hockey through high school and in college as well. However, as much as we may enjoy these sports, it is not convenient to try and get two teams together for a game once you've graduated from college. Tennis is much more realistic in that sense. 

My father is a tennis enthusiast (it's his favorite sport of all time) and he's always saying to me: "Nina, you may be enjoying field hockey and womens' lacrosse right now, but remember that those are not lifetime sports like tennis is, so don't spend more time on those sports than you do on your tennis!"

Like any other sports, the difference between tasteful tennis and tennis lies in the typical rules sportsmanship along with a few rules of etiquette specific to the sport (adapted from The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette: Entirely Rewritten and Updated):

• make sure to follow the instructions for court sign-ups, the dress code, and how long you can keep your court
• be on time for a scheduled match or practice - if you're going to be running late, make sure to telephone
• wear tennis shoes 
• bring a new can of balls
• when others are waiting to play, don't hold onto your court for as long as possible
• don't rush others off of their court when they're almost finished; wait for them to finish their game
• don't go by directly behind a court if there is a match taking place; wait quietly off to the side of the court and then walk behind the baseline to your court during a pause in the game, saying, "Excuse us, please."
• when a ball from another court comes onto yours, return it carefully and when the point is over instead of just hitting it back in the general direction
• if a ball from another court comes onto yours during a point, call a let
• if your ball goes onto another court, don't just run after it - wait until the point is over and then call politely, "Thank you, Court Two. That Dunlop Five is ours."
• ask your partner/opponent before starting how many balls her wants while serving, two or three
• return balls promptly when your opponent needs to serve and has no ball
• when it's your turn to serve, wait until your opponent or partner is ready to receive/start

Art Appreciation

Dedicated to Cindy, Vince, and Alexey.

A Malevich exhibit. 

Yesterday (Saturday, December 17th, 2011) I was doing my usual thing on The Proper Lady Facebook Community when the opera video I posted (starring my favorite tenor, Placido Domingo) caught the attention of three lovely readers. The video sparked a conversation about Signor Domingo, which then turned to the recent staging of "Madama Butterfly" by the Met, which then turned to how most people don't appreciate opera, which then turned to art's appreciation... you get the idea.

I was thrilled to have such a wonderful conversation online and while conversing, I got the idea of writing an article on art appreciation, something that I adore yet do not see too much of these days.

The Copenhagen Opera House.

I adore the arts. As Alexey said (although he was referring more to opera), the arts are a celebration of humanity, his triumphs and his failures. That's why I love the arts so much: because they are a celebration of humanity! However, I also do believe that an appreciation of the arts can help to refine you. Here are reasons why:

• The arts are a celebration of humanity and by exposing yourself to them, you'll become more in-touch with your emotions and will also achieve a greater understanding of yourself, of your own unique brand of humanity, and of your soul (as corny as it sounds, I believe it to be true).
• Attempting to undertand them can encourage a more complex mental process, allowing you to become a better thinker.
• There are often certain events held around the appreciation of the arts (such as a cocktail party at an arts gallery or a gala at an opera house) and you will get to mingle with people who can encourage broader thinking.
• The arts are often representative of the culture in which they were created, so they can help your cultural understanding. 

These days, not as many people appreciate art as they did in historical times. I think it's because in historical times, the arts were the only source of entertainment. Today, we have so many other things that really detract from the arts. 

I think another reason why people don't appreciate the arts that much is because society has painted them as this elitist and unapproachable thing. People assume that you need to understand Italian or own a tuxedo in order to enjoy opera. People assume that you need to have a B.A. in Art History from Amherst College in order to enjoy a trip to an art gallery. People assume that you need to have studied Music Appreciation at Andover in order to go to a Prokofiev concert. 

I think that the first step to being able to appreciate art is to toss away all of those false pre-conceived notions about it. No, you don't need to understand Italian to enjoy the opera, after all, that's why opera houses have subtitles! And some of the most famous operas were originally written in Russian, English, and German. No, you don't need a degree in Art History from any university (and especially not Amherst!) to enjoy a tour around an art gallery or an exhibit at a museum. Even Art History students don't truly understand the paintings that they look at. You can't truly understand a painting unless you sit down with the painter and ask them what they were trying to do. Art History students just look at the painting, read up on the history of the culture, of the movement, and of the painter, and then make an educated guess. All you need to do in order to appreciate a painting is to look at it and feel, which is something that all human beings are capable of if they give themselves a chance. In my first semester at Bryn Mawr College I took a course on Russian Avant-Garde Art History and I wrote an eight-page paper on Malevich. I didn't truly understand Malevich because I didn't know him personally, but all I did was take the time to read and then make assumptions baed on research. You don't need to be a student of art history to do that. I wasn't an Art History major - I just took the class because I thought that it'd be interesting. 

You don't need any special tools to appreciate art. You don't need to have a strong background in classical music, theater, or art history. Goodness, you don't even have to be intelligent! All you have to do is expose yourself and open yourself up to it. Go out to an art gallery, take a trip to the theater, do whatever you can do to expose yourself to the creative products of people and then allow yourself to feel whatever you can feel. Just let the art move your emotions instead of holding back.

The Proper Lady's Sponsored Charities

Dear Readers,

In our quest to become gracious, refined, and elegant, we cannot forget those who are less fortunate. Too often, I see people with privileges and luxury forget about those who do not share their good fortune. Let us not forget that charity is part of being gracious, refined, and elegant. The Proper Lady seeks to use her life to improve the world (at least a little bit) and to stand up for those who may be wronged.

I hope that you will consider donating money to some of my favorite charities on this page. If there are ones that you feel strong for that are not on this page, send me an email (theproperladyblog@gmail.com) and I will be delighted to consider adding them to this page.

Remember your good fortunes, give thanks for them, and give back if you can!

P.S. This page is under construction - however, I am currently working on e-books and when they are completed, they will be sold on this blog. Keep in mind that the profits made from e-books will not be for the author's personal gain (like so many e-books are), but will be benefitting the charities on this page (as is consistent with the principles of elegance and graciousness), so please take the time to nominate your favorite charities!

Ladylike in the 21st Century

Darlings! My guest article for The Modern Woman's Survival Guide was just published. It's entitled "Ladylike in the 21st Century" and you can read it here.

Bridal Showers

I adore this pink-themed bridal shower from Martha Stewart. 

Good morning, darlings!

When a man and a woman get engaged, it is often very common for the woman to host a bridal shower with the close female friends she plans to invite to her wedding. I have had the pleasure of spending the last few weeks researching bridal showers and other engagement/pre-wedding festivities and traditions.

Although I may often be looked down upon for this by the more aggressive less-traditional women, something that I'm passionate about is learning how to be a good wife and a good mother.

I'm proud that those things are important to me, darling. That's why the bridal shower is one of my favorite engagement traditions. The bridal shower's purpose is to get a group of close female friends together to prepare the bride-to-be for her new role as a wife and to help her get set-up in her new home.

This will usually happen by the guests bringing home-related gifts. These gifts will range from typical ones like cutlery, cooking equipment, flatware, vases, and linens, to cookbooks and books about the profession of being a wife and mother. Any gift that will help prepare the receiver for her future role as a wife (and maybe as a mother) might show up at the shower as a present.

People can conduct the shower as usual, or they can do a themed shower.

If a couple is very passionate about wine, for example, the bride can hostess a shower where each guess brings a different bottle (each guest is perhaps assigned a grape or region to avoid everyone bringing a similar type) to help the couple stock up their wine collection. For an activity, the hostess could hold her own wine tasting, purchasing a few different types of wine that anyone at the party can afford, ones that have gotten good reviews in the last year, and then sampling them together.

"Come, let us have some tea and continue to talk about happy things."

-Chaim Potok

Etiquette for the Bridal Shower

Partly adapted from Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette: A Guide to Contemporary Living, page 196 - 197, Revised and Expanded by Letitia Baldrige.

I. Showers are not given for second marriages.

II. Showers are not a mandatory engagement tradition because many people are too busy to attend them and also since many couples live together before getting engaged, the family might already have all of the things they need.

III. Showers are never given by members of the bride's or groom's immediate families, but a cousin may give a shower. However, it is permissible for members of the bride's or groom's families to offer financial aid or the facilities of their homes to those giving the showers as long as the showers are not given in their own names.

IV. Whoever's giving the shower should have knowledge of the bride's clothing size in case anyone asks. There is no way to gracefully insert such information on the invitation. 

V. The bride is privately consulted before the shower about what she really needs to start a home.

VI. It is highly recommended, even necessary, for all of the guests to meet before shopping to figure out themes, colors, and the bride's needs and taste. This is to prevent guests bringing the same gift and also because they might want to coordinate... for example, if the bride is having a blue kitchen, the guests may want to buy her appliances and cookware in blue. 

VII. The woman who is planning the shower should be sensitive to the financial situations of all of the guests. Remember that bridesmaids often are paying their own expenses at the wedding. If there is a woman with financial restrictions who is to be a guest at the bridal shower, make sure that there is a good selection of inexpensive gifts for her to choose from. It's very important that this is planned out beforehand. It's degrading, humiliating, and tasteless to put her through having to explain her private financial situation to those who have no business in it.

VIII. Gifts should be wrapped, assembled, and screened off before the bride arrives. Guests who arrive late present theirs personally.

IX. The bride opens all gifts at the designated time (usually before refreshments)

X. She must write a brief thank you note to everyone who brought her a gift, regardless of size or cost (it's the thought that counts the most, Dears!), and then write a long one to the lady who hostessed her. 

XI. You are not expected to bring a gift for a shower to which you are not invited. 

XII. Shower guests should always be invited to the wedding, if not the reception. 

XIII. If the wedding has to be called off, the bride should return each gift received at the shower or showers unless it's a trivial that will make the giver feel cheap.  

Being an Educated Woman Doesn't Mean You Can Be a Rude Woman

Not only did  Michelle Obama (right) manage to gain acceptance to
Princeton University, the most rigorous Ivy League (it's harder to earn an A at
Princeton than at any other Ivy League), but she did well
enough that she gained acceptance to Harvard University for her law degree.

Duke University.

Anyone who knows me or who has been on The Proper Lady with me long enough has come to know how much I appreciate a good education and/or a prestigious university (they do not always go hand-in-hand), and how much I admire a man or woman who has had the privilege of receiving a such a thing. I have been fascinated with higher education and university culture ever since I was ten years old and my brother, then a tenth grader (and a perfect student) had started to receive flyers and brochures in the mail from schools like Duke University, Yale University... schools that looked pretty in the photos (at the age of ten, I put the prettiness of the buildings first and in the United States, the most prestigious and exclusive universities are often the prettiest because of their age).

At the age of ten, I decided that I really wanted to go to Duke University because I thought that it was so pretty! However, when I grew older and started to choose universities based on fit and the kind of education I wanted, I decided that I had a preference for small liberal arts colleges in New England. My friends in high school used to joke that I could be the college counsellor because I knew so much about so many different types of schools. I guess I should have known that much... I had been preparing for my college application process since the age of ten!

Although I am just as wowed as anyone to meet someone at a dinner party who tells me that they went to Amherst College, something that I've come to appreciate even more is humility by those who have the most exclusive of colleges under their belt (Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Amherst, Williams, Oxford, Bowdoin, Colby...). It's attractive if you gained acceptance into Grinnell College, but it's even more attractive if you can pair that with humility.

My good friend Laura is a true lady and her fiancé Charles is a true gentleman. Laura attended Sister College Mount Holyoke College, graduated top of her class, and then went on to gain a graduate degree from Yale University. Her fiancé Charles attended Dartmouth for his undergraduate degree and then went onto Yale as well (which is where they met). What I admire about them is that they still carry on with such grace, taste, and humility. I remember once, when people were enthusing about his Yale Degree, Charles responding with a polite smile and saying, "Well, I was very blessed to have been accepted" instead of going on about all of the clubs he excelled in, how as an accomplished sportsman he broke a record on the crew team (which he did), and about all of the professors who adored having him in their classes. Now that's a true gentleman! Laura is just as humble about her education as well.

Remember that no matter how well-educated you may be, nothing is more attractive than respect and consideration for others. Remember what Clarence Thomas said:

"Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot."

Proper Makeup: Emphasizing, Not Hiding or Piling

I love Princess Madeleine of Sweden's
natural and glowing makeup.

Whenever I find myself in the cosmetics section of any department store, drugstore, or specialty store (like Sephora), I find myself engulfed by a sea of color. Eyeshadows seem to be born out of rainbows and come in any shade imaginable and more. Neon purple lipstick is sold as well. Why such obvious makeup? I guess there's a trend of making a statement with one's makeup. Green eye-shadow and a nude lip will look ethereal for example, and wearing both bright pink and bright purple eye-shadow looks very modern and hip.

However, I believe that ladylike women choose to go a bit more natural on their makeup, using them to emphasize their features versus hiding them or simply piling on products. Remember how I often speak of elegance being about simplicity and an understatement. I think that my philosophy there also applies to a lady's makeup. I feel that the elegant woman, the proper lady, the ladylike woman, will prefer a natural look over an unnatural look for daytime.

So how does one do a natural looking makeup for daytime?

Natural-Looking Makeup

Reese Witherspoon (pictured above) is one of my beauty role models. Her natural makeup is always flawlessly done and leaves her looking fresh, beautiful, and radiant! So how does one achieve a natural makeup look?

I believe that before one starts on the painting, one needs to have a clean canvas. Having clear and healthy skin will make it easier for you to have gorgeous natural-looking makeup because the makeup sits smoother and better on your face. Taking care of your skin is a good start! Start a healthy skin regimen and then do your best to stick to it. Face wash and toner twice a day, oil-free moisturizer once a day, and exfoliator once a week will help you to keep your skin clear, smooth and healthy. It's also good to pay very close attention to your skin when you're trying on a new makeup product. If your skin shows the slightest hint of irritation, stop using the product. Use products that your skin likes!

On that note, your skin doesn't just like it when a product isn't harsh. Your skin also likes it when the product is flattering for it. In other words, instead of just buying makeup in colors that you like, also ask yourself what looks good with your coloring. Some  colors look more natural on some women than others. Michelle Obama (pictured at left) can pull off darker hues than Reese Witherspoon and still look just as natural. On the same note, Reese Witherspoon would look more natural in champagne eye-shadow than Michelle Obama would. Pay attention to your coloring!

I think that perfect proper lady natural makeup would consist of the following:
(1) Clean Skin
(2) Foundation/Powder
(3) Concealer as needed
(4) Mascara
(5) Blush
(6) Lipstick/lipgloss

My personal everyday makeup routine usually consists of powder, two coats of my favorite mascara, sweeps of my favorite blush, and then an application of lip product, usually natural gloss.

My favorite natural-looking glosses are:

• Neutrogena MoistureShine gloss in 110 Fruity Pink
• Benefit Gloss Life on the A-List

Those glosses really suit my skin tone well but I am not a cosmetics artist or an expert so the best thing for you is just to try on different shades of gloss to see what works for you.

I cannot get over Doutzen Kroes' makeup look here!

The Red Lip

Something that I adore for daytime (although not for every single day) is a classic red lip. When I think of an elegant woman, I often think of red lipstick. It's just so classic. However, it's also very bold and not very easy to pull off. 

The red lip is quite high-maintenance, first of all. It bluntly states that you put time into your appearance that day. It's also more obvious than other colors if it happens to smudge on your teeth. On my second date with my fiancé, we went to this small Greek  restaurant for lunch and I wore red lipstick. Being only the second date, I wasn't ready to give him a kiss yet, so red lipstick was fine (I wouldn't wear it if you plan on kissing a man... he'll end up wearing your red lipstick!), however whenever I speaking to him I found myself worried that red lipstick was smudged on my teeth. Red lipstick is also high-maintenance because it requires more than just a simple swipe... lipliner is recommended, as is powdering your lips pre-application. 

However, despite it's downsides, I still love a bold yet elegant red lip for daytime (and also for evening - another great thing about red lipstick is that it transitions beautifully from daytime chic to evening elegance), but there are many things that I need to be aware of.

Namely, making sure that despite your red lips, you don't look like you piled on the makeup. When I wear red lipstick, I keep the rest of my makeup as simple and plain as possible. I don't even wear my usual blush that day. All I wear is powder, red lipstick, and a swipe of mascara. I think that Rachel McAdams (above) wear red lipstick really well.

Evening Makeup
Regardless of how important everyday makeup is, most feminine women really want to know about evening makeup. I think it's because we enjoy dolling ourselves up, looking our best, and feeling pretty. I personally do not do my makeup that much differently for evening, simply because I prefer a nice natural look in general. For the evening, I might put on some bronzer to make myself glow, especially if it's in a tropical country and outside, but in general, I don't do anything differently (although I'm more likely to put on red lipstick for evening). I will often stick to my regular makeup routine and add one special thing, like eyeshadow that matches out the color of my dress, a bit of eyeliner (I usually don't use any), or more blush.

I just feel like evening makeup can go overboard. In the photo below, I feel like our girl Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has on a little too much makeup and ended up looking more severe than elegant:

Some examples of evening makeup that I personally like:

The reason why I personally prefer these examples of evening makeup over Duchess Catherine's is because in these examples, the natural beauty of the women still shine through and it doesn't make any of them look severe or tired. They obviously have on a little more makeup due to the special occasion, but they do so in a way that keeps them looking bright, happy, and well-rested.